24 January 2012

My Spartacus Story, How WR Will Effect Me.

For most of this blogs life I have avoided talking about my personal situation and have tried to write about other subjects that interest me. Now however I'm starting to see how society needs to hear the stories of people like me to promote better understanding and compassion for all disabled people, whether their disability is visible or invisible.
I have suffered from Anxiety Based Depression and Insomnia for as long as I can remember, in fact until I was about 20 I didn't realize that everyone didn't feel the way I do every day, a state of what is actually disabling anxiety was that normal to me. When I was a child I can remember pretending to be asleep when my parents came to check on me so they wouldn't worry, as they had a lot to worry about. When I was born my mother was given 10 years to live due Type 1 Diabetes related illness. Just to clarify for people not in the know, type 1 Diabetes is the worst type where the person has to inject insulin 3 times a day, my mother got it when she was 14 which was in 1960's, treatment for the disease did not improve significantly until the 1980's, too late for my mother who developed many related illness's. Her eye sight completely went when I was 4, while in hospital in London her kidneys failed when I was 8. I remember waking up in the car to find us speeding across London an ambulance (containing my mother) in front of us and a Police car behind us. Apparently they thought she was going to die that night, but they managed to save her life temporarily by putting her on a form of renal Dialysis called CAPD, that was why they were moving her to another hospital. She had 11 strokes in her life, one finally killed her when I was 11.
It doesn't take a Psychology degree to work out why I grew up to be anxiety based depressive, but if that wasn't enough there's a family history of depression too. My paternal grandmother suffered from a number of painful physical illness's and also had bipolar disorder, she committed suicide when my dad was 10. My maternal Grandmother also had paranoid Schizophrenia.
As a result of my illness holding down conventional employment is impossible as on bad days I cannot leave the house, the anti-depressants I take are supposed to help control anxiety, they don't they just make me feel less depressed . I often can't sleep at night and I quickly become tolerant to the sleeping pills the doctors give me so their is no relief from this.
I would love to work, and do have a voluntary job 2 days a week, they are obviously flexible on days when I can't come in or am late as I'm a volunteer, they can't sack me then there would be no one to open the shop. The propaganda being put around that people like me chose this lifestyle infuriates me. I do not qualify for DLA and have never received it, nor do I get any incapacity benefit (though technically I am on it, I just don't receive extra money) they don't pay all  my rent either I have to find £50 a month or I face eviction.
I'm currently still on income support but soon will come the day I dread when I have to go for medical. The new system does not take into account my illness apparently, if I can stand up  from sitting and raise my arms above my head I will be declared fit for work and be expected to apply for jobs after 1 year on ESA. I haven't worked properly for over 10 years, and my condition will not change. If by some miracle I do manage to get a job I will very probably be sacked  for being late if I try to sleep and can't wake up in time, or for performing poorly if I try to go in without sleeping at all. That's if they don't sack me for the amount of sick days I have to take on bad days when I can't leave the house. When I get sacked and have to go back and claim Job Seekers I will be "punished" by having my benefits sanctioned for 6 weeks, as a result of this I won't be able to pay rent and will become homeless.
I truly don't know what the government expect people like me to do, I don't want to be like this, I'd love to have a job. Maybe if I could find one that earned me sufficient income to support myself that I could do from home it could work, but I can see no other way. I'm just left dreading the day I have to go and sign on again, so much I have seriously contemplated suicide. I hate to talk about it but there it is, the suicide rate on the Isle Of Wight is shockingly high compared to the rest of the South East. Two of my friends have hung themselves in the past couple of years, not the method I would choose, but I envy the fact they no longer have to worry like I do I must confess.

1 comment:

Rachael Cahill said...

Keep on going girl its tough but u can do it. Ur a soldier.im proud of u x